Mittwoch, 17. Februar 2010


lets start with two snippets from my article about polyamory for po-magazine:

Do you want a little more?

Snippet 1:

As you can see above* I m very open to the idea of polyamory. I love the group feeling and its good sides…the freedom as well as the bonding you will have in this family like type of relationship. It’s not like I prefer polyamory over monogamy since I m happy in monogamous relationships too...It´s just that I know there are other designs of life too…and in a time where so called patchwork families come more and more usual..It’s maybe time to open up to new ideas and possibilities. I know that a so called polyamorous lifestyle don’t works for everybody and there a whole lot of couples who are more than happy in the world of monogamy and that’s what it’s all about...about happiness. No relationship model is right or wrong, or even better. We all actually should do what works for us…enjoy what we are able to enjoy

14 Kommentare:

P.S. Haven hat gesagt…

Wonderful article, Danielle. Very thought provoking. I've been with the same woman for two decades now, so I can't speak from any kind of experience regarding three (or more) people in love. But three or more people having sex fascinates me to no end. There for a while, it was pretty much all I wrote about. I even had my characters philosophizing on the separating of love and sex (not to be confused with Church and State). Having never tried it, though, it certainly seems easier to compartmentalize multiple sex partners than multiple romance partners. Do you find that to be true, Danielle?

Petit fleur hat gesagt…

Wowser! You're life sounds like it has been very full and diverse.

I have so much to say and so many questions... I donno if I feel good about taking up so much space on your comments though, so I'll keep it brief! Ok, I'll try to anyway.

First thing is that PS (above) says something interesting about compartmentalization. Women have a MUCH harder time doing that, and that is one reason that I can see that would be really difficult for a woman or multiple woman to live in a 3 or more situation.. I adore the built in child care component! Also, that the child has like a trusted big sister or bro to ask questions to that they would not feel right going to parents with. We all need that.

Having always felt conflicted about my unusually strong feelings for more than one person, I remain curious about this idea and reading more about it. More because it makes me feel less insane and guilty about my musing about it. My hub is flexible to a point, but I feel certain he would draw the line at sex.... at least if there were another man involved that I had feelings for, or that we both had feelings for even. A woman may be a different story, but I don't know that there is any woman I feel that way about, currently. I do get lots of love from my women friends and don't feel desirous of them sexually, so...

Keep writing Danielle! You are good at drawing people out and you've had some very extraordinary experiences that we all can benefit from.
Peace, pf

Erobintica hat gesagt…

I've been having a wide-ranging internal debate over whether to "out" myself or not - since writing anonymously allows me some freedom, but since there seems to be no way to write here anonymously, I take that as a sign. So yeah, I am the "anonymous" who commented on the Part 1 post. And from now on I'm commenting as myself.

Danielle, first let me say that I love this idea of a "salon" - especially if we can be open like this. And yeah, your first topic hit home with quite some force. Your snippet telling about your early experience in a polyamorous household was sweet. it would be fascinating to read more accounts like that - because I'm sure there are plenty of people that grew up in similar environments. It's just always so hush hush. And I would guess that some were good and some were bad and some were so-so - just like any other kind of growing up.

Haven, I've been with the same man for close to 30 years, and have no intention of that changing. But. Sometimes life throws something at us that we never in a million years expected. Rather than deny, avoid, ignore - I chose to consider the possibility. It has caused problems, I won't deny that, but it's also been incredibly freeing. I have no idea where this might go. All I know, is the ride is interesting.

Emerald hat gesagt…

Welcome to Robin as non-anonymous. ;)

"Women have a MUCH harder time doing that"

This is not at all meant to be antagonistic, but I frankly see that as a stereotype and not necessarily representative of experience. I have generally found gender-based stereotypes dubious at best. In this particular instance it has not reflected my own experience. I practiced polyamory for about five years or so officially (though really I felt drawn toward it and instigated practices of it within a primary relationship starting at about age 18 — I just didn't know there was an official/formal word for it, heh) prior to the relationship in which I am now (in which I practice monogamy).

For me the polyamorous orientation was encompassing — it was not just about sex but about other aspects of relationships too. It not only did not feel particularly difficult to me but felt more open and authentic to me than feeling a need to "commit" to only being with one person at a time intimately and sexually. I did not generally feel as though either the sexual or intimate involvement I felt with one partner threatened that which I felt with another, and that is one reason I have found the general skepticism of polyamory somewhat bewildering. Of course, I don't mean that everyone should feel that way. I just mean that to me the assumption that we may only feel a certain way about one person at a time has seemed strange in its collective pervasiveness and concreteness.

I do practice monogamy currently, and as Danielle alluded to (as I interpreted it anyway), it doesn't seem to me necessary to commit to only practicing one or the other (monogamy or polyamory—or another particular relationship model for that matter). I have aimed in general to acknowledge each situation (just as each person) as individual, and monogamous has seemed to be the orientation in the relationship in which I currently am.

Thanks Danielle and all. :)

Danielle hat gesagt…

i so will answer on all this coments tomorrow morning..i i m all down with my cold and in bed..gah..wish me luck so i feel better tomorrow

Sharon McPherson: AUTHOR hat gesagt…

Live and let live ... Viva life!

I am more concerned about the long butcher's knife and the quotation from The Exorcist ... lol

Danielle hat gesagt…

@ p.s. haven

haha..i could tell that by your artworks!! sex with mor ethen one person is a thing many possibilties..i tried most of for example with a couple, with my girlfriend and a third person we had chosen together or just three persons who know each other by any random events..and yes..multiple sexpartners are easier to handle then multiple romancepartners but its has totally its own dynamic and i loved the experiences i made myself...when i lived polyamorous for the first time it was with a bisexualk couple of two girls..the kne weach other before and it was totally free of envy or any bad all feel really natural in places..but i also know about polyamorous relationships which broke by the problems of this kind of relationships isnt made for selffocused people...

ps: i think its wonderful that you are with the same woman for twenty years now...i dont know..hearing about longlasting relationships always makes me happy

Danielle hat gesagt…

@ petit fleur

ah thank you!! well..somehow i managed it to experience a lot in only a bit of time..weird sometimes..:-)

i m glad that you enjoy this first A_R post so much and you always can feel free to ask me whatever you wnat to know

what you say about the beeing open till a certain line of your husband reminds me that there is another form of polyamory..which is intense romanticly/tender but less sexual...i see that a lot among my lesbian friends...where everyone is very close, cuddly and sisterly also like the romantic love like it was between the victorian women but without much sexual intend...

and please dont feel any guild about ur musings on subjects like that:-) maybe you ll be a guest blogger too here with some subject rotating in ur mind!!!

Danielle hat gesagt…

@ robyn isnt a anonymously button? have to fix that..
but maybe it was a sign i still would never told anyone that you was the anonmously mouse..:-)

i m happy that you like the idea of a salon just like i do..i miss my berlin days when all my friends who wrote and made art came over for i like the openess about it..i want passionet discussions...a possibility for people to just speak their mind and share their mind..thats why i want guestbloggers to get a big varity of ideas and perspectives up here...

and ist wonderfull that you "bought the ticket and rid ethe ride" and enjoys it!!! life so often is unexpected...and even when one is with someone for along time..even when you love that someone dearly..other love can sipp in!

Danielle hat gesagt…

@ emerald..

ah you are always such a force of a it:-)

if its for women harder then for men..i dont know..i actually always have more the impression that men have to deal with much more jealoussy and that a lot men feel less "manly" when their woman "needs"/wants" more then just one man...its also that i discovered taht men have ahard time to speak about it because they are afraid that friends/society might think they arent able "to satisfy" the womans i think a polyamorous relationship might be harder for a man..but still i think thats different from case to case...

and in the end..isnt it all about loving and beeing loved in return?

and yes i think very much like you..i dont wanna chose be´tween monogamy or olyamory..and i think no one needs too...every situation..every person and every love is different and has its own possinilties and limits...

Petit fleur hat gesagt…


Yea, I guess there are certain gradations of what you describe. I never really thought about it like that, but it really is true. It just never occured to me that there were other real options. Nobody I know is involved in polyamorous, or if they have been it's only been temporary. (Not sure it counts.. more of experimentation)

Anyway, keep up the great work here! I'll be back to to see what you are up to, and thanks for the offer of possible co authoring a post. I'll think about that!


It seems something I said pressed a button for you. What I was referring to was brain compartmentalization. Women generally do have a harder time boxing things off in their brains because their brains function different from the male brain, biologically speaking.

Sounds like you've had some good experiences with PA in your life. Maybe you'll write some more about it?
Take care,

Danielle hat gesagt…

oh no..i wrote robyn instead or robin..gah...:-)

Danielle hat gesagt…

@ sharon

welcome! glad to see fresh blood a fresh face i meant:-)

and the knife and the quoting..i was young and needed the thrill..:-))

Erobintica hat gesagt…

ah Danielle - so many people make that mistake - but I am like the bird - but you corrected it on your own - so that is wonderful. :-)

It was very interesting what you said about men feeling less "manly" if the woman they are with needs/wants more than one man. And you are so right about it being hard for them to speak about it. That is my current situation - just trying to open discussion up. I am patient though - this has been a long time coming.